WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
