Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
