When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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