But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
