maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Who died my cat blue again?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
