I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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