In the future we'll all be gay
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
