we're chasing vodka with high fives
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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