Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he thought i was a dude.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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