Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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