Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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