Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
