Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
