her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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