i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
