If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Is Oprah even human
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
