Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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