Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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