Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
