My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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