"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
