Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
