dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
