it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
