3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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