i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
