The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
