she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
