Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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