So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
