i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
