this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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