she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
