hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
