I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Terrible idea I love it
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
