what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
