you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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