Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
