I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
