Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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