After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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