You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
