The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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