This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
