There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
