Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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