We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
