Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
