I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
