if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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