Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
