apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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