Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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