how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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