Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
