when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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