Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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