Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
