I'm lost and stupid without you.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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