I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
soo... how was my night?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
