i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
